I’m pretty sure I shared my living on the edge story with you but if not, then here it is.
To say I had a misspent youth would be putting it mildly. There were of course a lot of times, diversions and crossroads along the way. As I’m sure there has been with you as well. Some more extreme than others.
All of course, when you look at them, by choice. Cuz we always have that. A choice.
Not to say by any means they were, looking back, the best choices I could have made they were however, my choice.
I attach no blame to anybody for the results. Though for sure I used to. Fact is it took some time to get to that point where I actually took responsibility for it all. Put it right here in my pocket.
At that time my Dad used to say to me, and on more than one occasion . .” Red, why do you feel you have to live on the edge like this?”
I didn’t have an answer for him. I didn’t truly understand the why of it. And it would be sometime before I truly Groked the why.
I do now.
It was the view. The energy there.
It sustained me and propelled me.
Life there was bright and bold. The sun shone brighter, the moon was bigger.
Life was bold, exciting, full of risk and reward at the same time the potential for failure.
It was unpredictable and I flourished in it.
Of course it was also full of extreme highs and lows. And throw in the dark side of a personality, those bits of us we attempt to ignore and deny and bingo. You have a powder keg.
And inevitably at some point it explodes. Big time.
Everything comes crashing down.
Call it what you will, it is, hopefully, an eye-opener and you get to move to the next square on the chessboard. Hopefully.
For me, it had to happen a few times.
What happened was I moved back from the edge. Found a house, a white picket fence and comfortable. Of course it was a lie and had to implode eventually. Though the darkness receded I also began to live that life of quiet desperation. Shutting down those creative parts.
The complacency followed. For a time it was, frankly boring as hell.
More importantly in that boredom came relief, and I was thankfully released from it. Though at the time it was quite devastating and sent me down the spiral of hell which is self abuse.
It was a time where I ended up spending too much time alone to think. Ouch.
Analyzing, deciphering, where did I go wrong, self doubt, searching for the elusive WHY. More on this one later.
And then came the self exile. Away from everyone in the middle of nowhere to look for me.
Cuz you see at this time I also reflected on all I had done up to this point and I wasn’t seeing a pretty picture in a lot of ways.
I actually felt at the time I had to compensate for what I believed was a life lived wrong. One where I had willingly hurt others. So I felt inside I needed to atone. And this was how I would do it.
As much as others had told me of the light they saw in me and my capabilities, I denied them. I denied that light and still refused to have any part of t. I was and had been a bad person. And I retaliated.
Mostly this resulting in self inflicted wounds.
And strange as this may sound it was comfortable. I was convinced this was the way out.
It was what was familiar.
Now don’t get me wrong those glimmers of light showed themselves all the time. Giving me glimpses. Urges. Gentle pushes. They were also still somewhat foreign. I resisted.
It took time to finally love and accept my darkness before it finally started to loose the strangle hold it had on me. To fall into the background once I accepted and loved it.
I am still now very aware of it’s power and it’s presence. And I still love it. Though hey, yea it still comes through life a freight train sometimes. I won’t deny that.
Yup. And it does at times throw a real good fuck into a situation where I wish on hindsight I had had stronger control.
Lashing out at one I love or care about when I am feeling the total opposite but a situation has come up which I apparently need to work on and forget that’s why it came up. Duh.
And no you don’t need to tell me that’s not a healthy reaction Paul. I know that. I do at times have too many expectations of others. My bad.
So when the darkness had receded, I made the conscious choice to live another way. To find another way. Because I began saying to myself for the first time “There has to be a better way” cuz this one is surely sucking donkey balls.
One which I hoped would be a benefit to others. One where I would maybe teach and not hurt. Especially the ones I cared about.
If you happen to be one of those whom I unleashed that scorpion tongue on or lashed out in pain, I offer you an olive branch. I understand it does not change things. I leave it to you to accept or deny it.
The choice is yours.
I am okay either way.
It is offered.
Now, once more I straddle that line. Standing at the edge. Looking out at this world and seeing the brightness. Working more with the Occam’s razor thought of the simplest answer is usually the right one.
I am not so delusional to say all is unicorns and rainbows. I understand there may be a few glitches along the way again through this phase.
I am willing to get through them. I am also willing to fight for them.
The only thing I am sure about, right at this minute anyways, is , this part is going to be one fuck of a ride. Unchained.
Come with me if you like.
Let’s see where it takes us. What mysteries and life we can discover.
I for one am looking forward to it.
Be well my friend.
P.S. Oh yea, the why thing. What I have discovered about searching for the “why” did this happen or that happen is it’s a rabbit hole better off left unexplored. At least for me. Because there doesn’t seem to ever be a real answer and it sucks far too much valuable time and self wallowing. Just my thoughts.